Fire in My Blood

I’d left my second job to make room for other things to develop. To relieve pressure and strain, to free bandwidth for enjoying this precious time alive. And then I sat down one evening to examine the impact on my budget.

Of course, I could have done this before ending my second line of work-- run the numbers, calculated the impact, made a fact-based decision. That kind of thinking had gotten me to good financial health, yes, but also to a state of hollow exhaustion. Creating the life I truly wanted would require different behavior. So instead, I had followed the pull of my heart. Not the rash, impulsive, fickle, emotion-driven notion of heart but the older concept of heart-as-center, seat of the soul.

Now confronted with the harsh reality of the numbers in front of me, though, cold panic seeped into my tissues. In my frozen body, my pulse raced and my mind darted about, desperately seeking solutions. I could cut, cut, cut but I needed to eat! What had I done? Could I call my secondary employer tomorrow and tell her I’d changed my mind? As bedtime approached, I got up and brushed my teeth, only to return to the budget like a snapped rubberband, hoping I’d listed an expense twice. I sat up way too late staring into the computer’s glow at the spreadsheet, moving and changing figures. Finally, I closed my laptop.

I crawled desperate and depleted into bed, praying fervently. Please help me! I felt moved to make this change and I did. Now I am scared and so lost! Please. Help. Then I lay awake in the darkness, marinating in doubt.

I finally got a couple hours of solid sleep just before dawn and awoke into surprising lightness and clarity. Oh, thank you! I remembered that I’d wanted to devote more time and energy to going on horseback adventures and writing about them, sharing the whole process with all its challenges, setbacks, and small victories. And to do this in service of Loving Peace, offering my experience to my fellows as comfort and inspiration, for whatever it’s worth.

Reconnected with my purpose, I prayed some more. If this is what I’m meant to do, please make it financially feasible. And then I acted, generating momentum. Over the next week, I canceled subscriptions to the magazines I don’t read and the streaming platforms I barely watch, picked up the phone and halved the insurance premiums for my car and my dog, rummaged through my closet and identified unused items to sell. Small gifts started to come my way: an unexpected pay bonus, a cash back opportunity from a credit card, an email alerting me to a reimbursement benefit I haven’t used.

Then a flashback struck, transporting me to a moment just days before I faced my budget. I had been driving to work and listening to a discussion between artists about their early days and the risks they took in opting for the uncertainty of a creative life. At that moment, I’d been flooded with regret that I hadn’t followed my dream of becoming a writer and I wondered if I’d have the courage to do things differently if I could travel back in time. Now suddenly my eyes filled with tears as I grasped the outlines of the enormous blessing before me.

This is that opportunity, the fifty-something version of that choice. And I am going for it! Not in the all-or-nothing fashion of youth, but still-- sacrificing financial comfort for creative pursuit and spending my precious time in ways that set my heart aglow. I feel nervous and uncertain about the change sometimes (especially since I’m still grappling with my budget), and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong, just doing something different. I’ve been reminded that I wanted to give myself the remainder of this year to practice living lightly, to try embodying the saying on a tea bag tag posted on my fridge: “Be fearless; know that all will be provided at the right time.” Because why not? And here’s the best part so far: on the wall above my nightstand is a photo of me as a little girl riding a kind of rocking horse at a playground, her dreams and desires at the mercy of her older selves, and she is so proud of us!

What life path might you choose differently if given the chance and how do you think you would feel differently in your body if you had? What steps could you take to live closer to that version now?