The Mystery of Purpose

A friend remarked that she felt jealous admiration for the clarity I have around my quest to ride horseback adventures on every continent. I laughed in amazement, because it wasn’t until that moment, when it was beheld by another, that I recognized the arrival of this long hoped for gift. Like when you’ve been suffering with a cold and all you want is to be able to breathe easily again. Then one afternoon someone notices that you sound better and suddenly you realize you haven’t had to blow your nose since you woke up.

It’s true that at times, the experience has felt like being struck by a thunderbolt-- bursting into tears upon seeing the listing for the Golden Eagle Festival ride in Mongolia, the sudden arrival of this idea to ride the continents. But in the larger context of the past three years, it’s been more like waiting a VERY LONG TIME for water to boil.

I reminded my friend of all the discussions we’d had about seeking clarity around goals, the podcast episodes and books on the topic we’d traded. One such book was maddeningly titled “Choose.” Aware of the multitude of fascinating and thrilling possibilities for a single central goal to serve as a guiding light for the second half of my life, how could I possibly choose when saying Yes to one meant saying No to all the others?

I longed to be chosen by a goal, to be called to action.

It had happened to me once before, the year after I turned forty and was diagnosed with (and successfully cured of) cancer. I was seized by the sudden desire to make a documentary about immigration in my state after hearing the wildly different approaches adopted by local cities: New Haven declared itself a sanctuary city, while Danbury had their police officers deputized as agents of ICE. Over the next few years, I studied documentary filmmaking in my spare time, sold a few belongings to buy equipment. Although I’d had some experience with video production a dozen years prior, technology had advanced and I needed to learn how to use a new digital video camera and editing software. Then I interviewed attorneys, politicians, a priest, the editor of a newspaper.

The first person I interviewed was Angela Rossi Zurowski Andersen, a young woman who headed a non-profit agency that services immigrants and refugees. Angela was not only incredibly smart, but she was also kind and generous with her time. I was surprised when I reached back out to her several months after her interview and she didn’t return my calls. When I swallowed my discomfort and called the main number to gently inquire about connecting with her, I was put on hold and then a somber voice hesitantly informed me that Angela was in the hospital, ill with a terminal cancer. I was shocked.

A couple of years later, after the doc was shown at the New Haven Documentary Film Festival, a woman and a younger man came up to me with tears in their eyes. Angela’s mother and husband. They were very grateful to have Angela-- in full vitality, with all her compassion and passion for service-- captured on video. We hugged. We wept.

As I walked out of the theater into the daylight I wondered, what if that’s what this whole endeavor was about? What if the Great Mystery, in its infinite love and mercy, had instilled in me the drive to spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours making this documentary just for it to be seen by this audience on this very day? My body tingled and I was filled with a deep, glowing peace. Whatever the reason for my undertaking and whether you believe there is any reason for it at all, I felt blessed to have been the instrument for this gift to Angela’s loved ones. I was also glad to have introduced Angela to a large group of people who might otherwise have never known that her bright spirit had existed among us. And who knows what her presence on screen might have inspired in someone else?

Experiences of a deep and sustained inspiration look different for different people. In the community chat on Patreon of an inspiring writer and speaker I follow, a 50-year-old firefighter recently described his calling to earn a PhD in psychology, which he described as a glow in his heart. Other people stumble upon their calling after being nudged in a direction by someone or forced by events or circumstance. Still others seem to be possessed with clarity early on and simply can’t or won’t entertain other options. They speak of having no choice.

I have no instructions to offer anyone seeking a clear central goal. I can only share with you my own process and journey. Maybe these assignments have been delivered to my consciousness in dramatic fashion because that’s what is required to capture my attention and focus my energies. They have only arrived in the context of repeated prayers that I might be fashioned into a vessel for Love and the daily choice to spend a little time in receptive silence, listening and looking for inspiration.

Is there a clear purpose or central goal in your life?Have you felt a calling and how did you come to recognize it?